“Jiya(name changed) finish your food or else Bhow Bhow will come”, “Don’t take off your jacket, see BHow BHow is there”… every time this friend of mine saw that her daughter was simply not listening to her after a whole lot of tries.
It was working, she did finish her food, did not take off her jacket, did not play too much in water and slept early as well… I was amazed and shocked. I came back home.
Lying next to my daughter I was thinking about my friend and her child… ‘What the hell was she doing?!?!?!’ She was unknowingly inculcating a sense of fear in her child just so she would act the way she wanted her to. The realisation was awful but important… Such a terrible mistake. She was making her little girl feel scared of something for I don’t know how many years to come. How do we expect our kids to grow as individuals, fearless individuals when we are ourselves keep using an imaginary name to scare them. But this was what I had seen parents around me doing.
My cousin’s son was scared of the watchman’s whistle, another cousin’s son was scared of cats… a few more kids around me.
A very important lesson learnt. I must not use fear to discipline my child… that is the worst thing to do.
What is worse is the realisation that if in case some harmful person came to know that a child is scared of something and uses it to scare the child to act the way he/she wants… what horrible things could happen. The child will be scared to talk or share for the fear of something that doesn’t even exist and suffer.
This had hit me hard. The very next day, I met my friend and talked to her. As we discussed, she was able to understand my point. She does not use the same trick again but undoing what harm had already been caused is taking time. She is working on it and I am happy about it.
I know as parents it gets really hard to be extremely patient or we sometimes just to save time use some sort of tricks to make our kids behave but trust me inculcating fear is totally wrong. Out of many reasons, first one will be the loss of trust. Our kids will be too scared of something and that could be used against them to harm them. They won’t even be able to share. In today’s world where we are so cautious about our kids’ safety we need to make sure that our kids are simply not scared of anything or anyone. They must not be scared of us in the first place.
Somethings to keep in mind to make sure that our kids share everything with us without being scared:
1. Never use an imaginary figure/ animals or anything even in a funny manner to make the child behave.
2. Never over react to any mistake because your reaction to their mistakes will determine how much they are going to share in the future.
3. Always act patiently. Think wise and give a balanced reaction. BY not making a big deal (at least in front of them) you make them trust you more to share things in the future. Never blow things big.
4. Always try to show that you trust them (keep a check but just don’t make it too obvious :P)
5. Never be disrespectful to people around you in front of them.
6. Encourage more than advising.
7. Don’t compare them too much with everyone.. this results in the rise of jealousy in them.
8. Always show that you care for their feelings it goes a long way.
These are not advices but lessons that I am learning and making notes for myself so that I never forget them. I wanted to share them with fellow parents 🙂 and so I did
Love and Best Wishes to all the kids